Just thoughts

I'm in a lot of pain.
Constantly.

Every moment of the day,  there's this grip around my insides that refuses to relent. I can't sit still anymore. I find myself, for the first time in my life,  needing to do something,  anything, to distract from it.

It used to be that I would rest in order to recover, but I feel like, if I rest, I'll lose what little control I have left. When I'm at work,  I sit and mindlessly repeat conversation after conversation for hours. That's fine, at first. I do some flashcards between calls, or perhaps workout a little. I'm busy, I'm fine. By the middle of my shifts, I feel myself slipping. Suddenly, I can't avoid the thoughts anymore. I think about him or the future... It's just a thought or two. But by the third quarter, a quiet panic starts. At the end of the day, it's all I can do just to get out of the building as fast as possible and rush home to cook and dance around the house and clean everything, until I'm so tired, I can hardly keep my eyes open anymore.

I'm at the brink of tears, all the time. One brief thought could trigger it. I'm stressed and unhappy and worried that it'll be this way for a few years to come. I'm trying not to act rashly. I think this is the point where people start bad habits, addictions and such. It's all I can do to not give in to the things that will briefly make me feel better. I'm trying not to eat everything I can see. I'm trying not to drink a lot or too often. I'm trying not to invite my guys over every night for company. And I'm succeeding, so far. I don't feel close to giving in either. I'm actually doing the opposite. I'm trying to exercise, I'm trying to eat healthier, I'm trying to stay away from texting too many people. I just... I'm just in a lot of pain, since I refuse to numb it.

I feel like I'm losing direction again. It's not necessarily because of him,  but he certainly didn't help. He made me hope. And hope can be very painful,  when things don't go the way I wish. I saw in him the kind of person I'd  want to be with forever. The kind that has a similar future to mine, is a good person, has similar interests, and puts great importance on working to make a relationship the best it can be. He checked my boxes. And... I hoped. Now, I'm in limbo, unknowing whether he might actually let me in or if I'll be waiting a few more years for someone else to match up so well. And limbo terrifies me.

Limbo doesn't have a set direction. Limbo requires a focus somewhere else, so that all efforts can be put into that until this works itself out. But I don't have that. Not a strong one. I have school and I am trying to force myself to focus on that, but it's difficult. It's not my purpose. It's just something I have to do to eventually get somewhere. I could try my art or writing again... just practice and practice,  but that takes a lot of time from school that I can't afford.

I'm just feeling stuck. Screaming on the inside, but unable to do anything about it, except wait.

I'm in a lot of pain.
Constantly.